2017: The year I lost my mind
This year is definitely going down as the year I completely lost my mind in order to find my sanity.
Acting on advice from a psychologist in my early thirties, I decided to live out my twenties. Granted, living out my twenties when I’m mid-forty has all the makings of a mid-life crisis. Perhaps it was, but to me it felt more like a curiosity about who I would be without the labels. If I’m not a mother, a sister, a daughter, divorced, a marketer, a cancer survivor, and someone in my forties, who am I? And is this person someone I could actually like?
I didn’t start the year with a well-developed plan to relive my twenties. I stumbled into it. I knew for certain I would be saying “yes” to more simply because life needs living. I just didn’t know what it would look like.
Interestingly, deviating from my normal took me along a path surprisingly representative of the issues we typically face during our twenties: questioning career choices, partying like a rock star, and having no-strings-attached sex.
Now, as I sit here in the park on the roundabout surrounded by nature, it’s more a case of hindsight; a reflective: “WTAF was 2017 trying to teach me? What were the tough questions? And am I ready to answer them as the year draws to a close?”
Does my career choice represent my true purpose?
Career has been a lifelong struggle as I have two polar opposites in constant conflict with each other.
At the one extreme, is the marketer “me” with a strong desire to see others prosper financially. I work with their minds. At the other extreme is the “me” who wants to see others fulfill their true purpose in life. In this space, I work with their hearts.
This battle between head and heart leaves me feeling torn… and it doesn’t reflect well in my bank account, either. Obviously! As a follower of the Law of Attraction, I know that negativity doesn’t yield prosperity, and conflict doesn’t yield peace.
Over the years, I convinced myself the reason why I’m not living a life of financial abundance is because I just didn’t know my worth. True, I often do work for free or at such a discounted rate that it’s as good as being free. But I do know my worth. It may have taken years, but I understand my value.
What is it, then?
The truth of the matter is that only one of the extremes is my true purpose. At my core, I am a healer so much more than I am a hustler and yet the healer is the part of me I’ve chosen to ignore. So does my career choice represent my true purpose? No, it doesn’t. Time to take a breath, get some balance, and change course. I belong in the heart space.
Is there such a thing as too much partying?
This year, I’ve seen the inside of a toilet bowl more than I’ve seen it in my entire life so the answer to the question is a big, fat “Yes!”
‘Nuff said. Everything in moderation.
How do I feel about no-strings-attached sex?
This is where it gets interesting. You have to try something before you can know it’s right for you, right?
I’ve always been a bit of a prude. For most of my adult life, I was on team “Sex is best had with someone you genuinely care about.” This year, I gave myself permission to unapologetically explore my sexuality. I played on a different team.
The first time outside of my comfort zone took me by surprise. If you follow my blog, you’ll know all about my struggles with accepting who I am and what I look like, so imagine my surprise that a hottie twenty years younger than I am would find me attractive. I went with the flow.
He wasn’t the only one this year… I’ll leave it at that.
With each casual encounter, I learnt more about myself, about men, and about where my boundaries lie. The conclusion? While spontaneous, no-strings-attached sex can be fun and has its place in society, it’s not for me. I have so much more to give a man than just my body. Love matters. Strings matter. It doesn’t have to be tied-at-the-waist strings, but for me, there’s nothing sexier than a mental, spiritual, or emotional connection to add to the physical.
All in all, 2017 was an absolute blast! My best friends are still with me through thick and through thin. I’ve created memories that I’ll cherish forever. I have crazy love for people in my life I didn’t know a year ago and I’ve let others go. I’ve also reconnected with a sense of purpose I thought was dead and buried.
As I’m present in this moment, swinging around on the roundabout, I’m overcome with a sense of peace I haven’t felt in a long time. My world is ok. I am ok.
I think for 2018, I’m just going to live out being myself. It’s going to be epic.
About the Author
"I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say." Flannery O'Connor